Drone Wars: the end of History?
NYT
Jan 25, 2013LONDON —
A prominent British human rights lawyer [Ben Emmerson] said on Thursday that a United Nations panel he leads would
investigate what he called the “exponential rise” in drone strikes used in
counterterrorist operations, “with a view to determining whether there is a
plausible allegation of unlawful killing….”
“This form of warfare is here to stay, and it
is completely unacceptable to allow the world to drift blindly toward the
precipice without any agreement between states as to the circumstances in which
drone strike targeted killings are lawful, and on the safeguards necessary to
protect civilians.”
Awesome
Engineering Co.
Memo To all Sales Staff:
|
Big News!
The Liquidator, our new unmanned aerial vehicle, is now in full
production. But we’re after far more than the U.S. market. More than seventy
countries already have drones—armed and unarmed. That’s just for starters. Every
self-respecting head of state is going to want his own fleet.
And the Liquidator will be the flavor of the
decade.
It can takeoff,
land and hover for a week without need of a human operator.
And it can't
be fooled. From six miles up, thanks
to our new Awesome Laser Optical Scanner (ALOS), it can zoom in to photograph the
face of anyone below, as well as capture the underlying bone structure, with
amazing resolution.
This
means there is no way the bad guys (or gals) can conceal their identity by
growing beards, dyeing their hair, losing weight, or undergoing radical plastic
surgery.
The next sales
point is also sensational: The Liquidator
can work totally on its own. Its scanner can instantly interface with a
database of all known or suspected bad guys in any intelligence agency’s files, or from the new
global terrorist data base that we offer as an additional service. At the same
time, the ALOS can also assess the area around the target for risk of “collateral damage.” [cd]
Note: for
an extra 1$million per unit, we will equip the Liquidator with a CDR
(collateral damage regulator) that permits the operator to dial in the degree
of cd judged acceptable for any given assignment.
The
operator then has an option. A.
Let the Liquidator run on “auto-kill” . That means that once is
positive confirmation of the bad guy target, and the cd is acceptable, the on-board
missile is automatically fired. Absolutely no time-wasting intervention required
from the operator.
Option B.
Of course, the operator can also make the kill decision himself, if there is,
for instance, the need clearance from higher up the command chain.
Most of
our clients follow the precedent established by President Barrack Obama, who
established his own terrorist kill list. This enables him to wipe out the bad
guys without encumbering legal procedures, yapping congressmen, or public
trials that provide a soapbox and cheap publicity for the “terrorists” or whatever and their hysterical
rants.
We expect
this system to continue spreading worldwide. [In fact, we know of one European
country where the wife of the President gets to have her own kill list; and
another state where the Prime Minister gave kill privileges to his 16 year old
mistress—though
she only gets to have five people on the list at a time.]
As part
of this presentation, we include a new interactive: How the history of the world
would have been totally changed—maybe even ground to a halt--if kings, czars, sheikhs, imams,
tribal chiefs, presidents, and dictators-for-life, had had something like The Liquidator at their disposal in
years gone by.
The Brits,
for example, could have blown to smithereens early on Jomo Kenyatta, No way he
would have survived to become glorified as the founding father of Kenya. Ditto
Robert Mugabe branded as a “terrorist” in what used to be known as Rhodesia. Ditto Michael
Collins of the IRA.
In the
1940’s,
London also could have knocked off a couple of future Israeli Prime Ministers,
Menachem Begin and Yitzhak Shamir , who organized the bloody-minded Irgun
revolt against England, bombing a hotel and murdering British police.
Going
back even earlier, George III could have nipped the Boston Tea Party in the bud;
taken out Paul Revere before he’d even saddled up. Hell, America might still be British.
In the
same way, the French would have dispatched Ben Bella, wiped out the FLN before most
people even knew what FLN stood for, and Algeria would still be French. So,
perhaps, would Vietnam, if they’d targeted Ho Chi Minh when they should have.
And the
Germans, if they’d
had the Liquidator the Warsaw Ghetto uprising
would have been still born, Jean Moulin and the French Resistance would have been turned into road kill. Same thing for
the Soviets: No Hungarian
revolution. No Prague Spring.
Best of all, they’d have shredded Osama Bin
Laden, long before he’d even thought about turning his bearded crazies against
America.
Batista
would have splattered Fidel and Che all over the Sierra Maestra in Cuba.
Same
story for jokers like Geronimo, Zapata, and Pancho Villa.
And Nat
Turner’s
slave rebellion in 1861 in Virginia would also have been instantly squelched: No
need to put him into the history books by publicly hanging the guy, then flaying
and beheading the corpse. The
Liquidator would have accomplished all that, and more--but discretely.
I mean, guys, when you think about it, what
we’re
really offering our clients is a real shot at The End of History.
The 'liquidator' sounds eminently hackable. Time to brush up on our signal interception skills.
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